


30 days of Hobbit AUs

by Madame_Xela



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: 30 Day AU Challenge, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Crossdressing, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Humor, If You Squint - Freeform, Little bit of smut, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Mpreg, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Slash, Slash, Thorin Is an Idiot, and a softie
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-18
Packaged: 2017-12-22 14:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madame_Xela/pseuds/Madame_Xela
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>30 Days of Aus</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fantasy (Fíli/Kíli)

**Author's Note:**

> THEY'RE BAAAAACK
> 
> And yes, another one. I'm not sorry. 
> 
> Warning for this chapter: Angst and Major Character Death.

Their story doesn’t get a happy ending. How could it? Brothers don’t marry brothers…especially Princes. Princes needed to marry Princesses and have babies. That’s what Mother and Uncle always said. Yet still Kíli dreams. He dreams that he and Fíli can be wed and have little bearded babies and everyone is happy.

He should have known that his dreams were just that, Dreams. That Fíli doesn’t feel the same way. When Kíli throws himself at his brother and declares his love for him, Fíli holds his shoulders and keeps him at arm’s length. He lists all the reasons why they won’t be together: It’s wrong (so wrong brother), Kíli is too young to know what he wants, no one would approve, what would mother think, what would uncle do? But the one that hurts the most is Fíli saying that he did not and could not feel that way about Kíli.

So Kíli resigns himself to not getting his happily ending. It’s utterly impossible….or is it?

*

No one talks about the dark wizard Smaug. Many years ago, long before Fíli and Kíli were born and even before Thorin was crowned King Under the Mountain, the dark wizard had lived in Erebor and was even friends with the King. But the wizard got greedy and was banished from the kingdom.

No one talks about the wizard, but that doesn’t mean that Prince Kíli can’t find someone-anyone who knows the whereabouts of Smaug, if he still lives.

His answer comes in the form of a pale orc.

“He doesn’t work for free y’know. Neither do I.” The Orc says as he downs a pint of ale.

“Name the price.”

“You bring me a satchel of gold tomorrow and I’ll tell you where to find Smaug.”

*

The bag hits the table with a loud noise. Azog is impressed. “Well little prince, Smaug only accepts fine jewels and gold as payment. The more valuable, the more likely he is to help you.”

“Where can I find him?”

*

In the heart of the Misty Mountains resided a foul creature. A creature whose skin was waxy and pulled taunt over its skeleton; who speaks in guttural sounds and is Smaug’s favorite test subject. Kíli had to get passed Gollum in order to get to the wizard. Easy enough.

“ _Gollum, Gollum…_ what is it? What has come to the Master’s home?”

“I-I’m Prince Kíli of Erebor. I’m a dwarf.”

“Hmm…doesn’t look like a dwarf-no it doesn’t. Nasty, hairy beasts. But it has no beard. So what is it?” Well, there was no need for the creature to be rude. It wasn’t like Kíli had asked him why he had no hair on his head or no clothes on his body. Or why he smelled of rotted fish.

“I’m a Dwarf.” He bit out.

“Oh. Is it a baby? OOH We love babies! So soft-so juicy-”

“-I’m not a baby! I’m an adult and I’m here to see Smaug!”

“Master? What does it wants with Master?”

“I want a spell.” The creature looked pensive. Honestly! He didn’t have time for this!

“Mm. Nope! No-no it can’t sees Master!” It gave the prince an evil nine-toothed smile.

“What? Why not?!”

“Because we says so! _Gollum-Gollum_.”

“Oh by Mahal. What if I gave you a gift? Could I get by then?” He didn’t have much on him besides what he was going to give to the wizard, but he did have one thing. It was small, circular, and golden. He had planned to finish designing it and give it to Fíli once the spell had been cast. Oh well…he could make another one.

“Gift?”

“Yes…” He pulled out the ring and showed it to the creature. Its eyes zeroed in on it. “If I give this to you will you let me pass?”

The creature nodded. “Yes yes! Hairless dwarf can pass, just give it to us!” Kíli dropped the ring into its hands and rushed by. As he walked further into the tunnel, he could hear the echoes from the creature **_“My Precious”_**

*

It isn’t much farther to Smaug’s lair. The wizard had carved an entire home into the rock, almost like dwarves, but creepier. There are skulls mounted on the wall right over a large pile of gold and gems. Candles are half melted, coating the walls and floor in wax. Thoughts of turning back rushed through Kíli’s head-he would be okay without the spell-okay if Fíli didn’t love him…

Except he wouldn’t.

“I was wondering when I would be seeing you, Little Prince.” The voice is liquid gold, coming from everywhere and nowhere. Kíli jumps. The dwarf should be more scared, but he isn’t. He stands straighter, holds his chin up and calls back.

“And how did you know I would come?”

Smaug tsked. The sound echoed like pebbles dropping. “A foolish young prince, hopelessly in love with his elder brother who doesn’t love him in return…oh little one. I knew it would only be a matter of time before you required my help.”

“And how did you know this?” Smaug laughs.

“I have eyes and ears everywhere. Now…” Smaug steps out of a shadowed corner. He isn’t at all what the prince expects. Where Kíli imagines long grey hair and a beard is curls the color of fire and smooth skin. The man is tall and lean versus hunched and boney and dressed in robes that flow off his body and blend into the shadows. “How may I be of service, your Highness?” The wizard bows. It’s mocking and though Kíli knows it is, he cannot bring himself to care.

“I need a spell.”

The wizard rolls his golden eyes. “Obviously. What kind of spell?”

“O-Oh! I want a spell where Fíli and I are together and happy. Kids would be a plus, Fíli always wanted kids.”

“Well-well, Little Prince. That is a very powerful spell I must come up with. I hope you have brought payment, because I do not give spells out of charity.”

The prince nods, reaching into his bag to pull a bundle of cloth. He tosses to the wizard. Smaug catches it and unwraps a gem of overwhelming beauty. It shined, reflecting every color Kíli could imagine and then some. This was a gem well known in his kingdom. “The Arkenstone of Thrór, my-my you certainly want this spell. I shall not disappoint.”

*

“WHERE IS MY SON?”

“My King, the Arkenstone is gone…”

“Find them!”

*

Smaug gets a pot and throws several ingredients that Kíli cannot name into it. By the time he’s done the ingredients have combined into a thick bluish purple goo. For a moment, Kíli thinks that the wizard is going to make him drink that…stuff. But Smaug just gives him a look that screams ‘shut up’ and drops a bright green apple into the goo.

*

Kíli cannot cover his tracks. That might be the only good thing to come out of this situation. The group gets closer and closer to the runaway prince, but Fíli feels it isn’t close enough.

Something feels…off.

*

Kíli shouldn’t be impressed by the apple turning from green to blood red, it’s just a color after all. Yet the curious side of him cannot help the awe he feels. The only thing is, he doesn’t understand how it will work. It’s an _apple_.

“All you have to do Little Prince is take a bite.”

“And if I take a bite, my wish will come true?”

“Absolutely. You will have the love of your life and everything you’ve dreamed of. Just take a bite.”

*

The creature Gollum was easy enough to kill. It was preoccupied staring at a little golden ring in its hand and muttering about the dwarf that gave it to him. Fíli pocketed the ring.

Finding Smaug was easy enough, though that was due to the wizard standing in plain sight. He smirked at them as they stepped closer.

“Well, I am a very lucky wizard. First I am hired by the young prince and now I am face-to-face with the heir and the King himself. I am honored.” He places his hand on his breast. “Well, your highnesses, what can this humble wizard do for you?”

Fíli snarls, grabbing at the sword on his hip. “I want my brother!”

“Oh you do, do you? I seem to recall that the reason your brother was here was because you _didn’t_ …”

“N-no! I don’t! But he’s my brother and I want him back!”

Smaug raises his hands in surrender. “Alright. Well, I’m afraid that you won’t be leaving with him.” With that he lifts his cloak to reveal Kíli lifeless on the ground with a partially eaten apple a few feet to his side.

Fíli sees red.

*

On December second, Killian Durin wakes to the sound of a young child giggling and another making soft huffs that could almost be giggles. There is another sound, a man trying to hush the children.

Kíli opens his eyes. There is a small boy with a head of copper curls sitting right next to his head. The boy grins at him. “Ah! Happy Bird-day Daddy!” He shrieks and topples onto Kíli’s chest in an odd sort of hug.

“What?”

The other man chuckles. “Honestly, you can remember when your favorite program is back on television, but you can’t remember your own birthday? Why am I still surprised?” Oh by Mahal, he knows that voice. That belongs to Fíli…Oh lord! Fíli was lying next to him.

In bed.

Without his shirt on.

There was another child sitting on his chest, a baby with the same curls as the other child, playing with the ends of his short beard.

“I-I…”

“Oh Merry, Pip…Your Daddy is so silly.”

Merry, the older child, giggled and bounced on Kíli’s chest. “Silly-silly Daddy!”

“Yes, Daddy is silly, but we love him.” Fíli reached over and kissed Kíli. It was soft and both of their lips were chapped, but Kíli thought it was the most perfect thing to happen to him in a very long time (and later, he would muse about the lack of mustache braids and long hair. But for now he would simply enjoy the kiss).

*

Smaug was in no way easy to defeat. He fought long and hard and it was only by a stroke of luck that Fíli was able to behead him. Fíli collapsed next to his fallen brother.

It was all his fault.

He should have done something more when Kíli confessed to him, anything to prevent this.

“Kíli, Kíli I’m so sorry.” And here Thorin had to look away as Fíli pressed his lips against his brother’s.

*

“Daddy sad?” Merry asked when his parents pulled apart. Fíli looked at his lover in concern.

“No love; Daddy isn’t sad. Daddy is very- _very_ happy. This is the best birthday that Daddy’s ever had.” Merry smiled and little Pippin giggled. “Now, what should we have for breakfast?”

“Ah’ples!” Both of the adults grimaced.

“No, not today love. What about pancakes?” Merry cheers and rolls off of the bed. Kíli makes a noise that has Fíli laughing and kissing him again.

“We better go and make the pancakes before Merry decides to do it himself.”

“Yeah…we probably should.” But they don’t move. Kíli cards his fingers through Pippin’s hair while Fíli hums softly. “So…it’s my birthday…”

“Yeah, and you’ll get your present from me later.” The suggestive tone sends shivers up his spine. Kíli grabs his lover’s hand and presses a kiss to the palm.

“I can’t wait.” He barely notices Fíli’s grin. He’s too busy staring at the gold ring on the blonde’s finger. Two words were etched on the top: _My Precious._  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent so fucking long trying to think of a plot for this chapter. Still not sure how I feel about it because I wanted it to be more angsty. :/


	2. Highschool (Thorin/Bilbo)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Thorin is an idiot.

Bilbo isn’t what you would call _popular_. He’s got acquaintances and a few friends, but if you asked the majority of the school they honestly couldn’t tell you who Bilbo Baggins was.

However, if you asked that majority of the school who Sting was, they would tell you that he was the drama kid who starred in almost every play and was really-really good at what he did.

Even Thorin Durin (one of the most well-known students in school) thought Sting was amazing and went to every performance.

(No Nori, it wasn’t because Thorin thought Sting was attractive. He just had a lovely voice and great stage presence. That’s all. So stop trying to make his life into a crappy romance novel. Really, he should convince Bofur to burn all of those books when Nori’s back is turned.)

Thorin had started going to these performances back when he was a freshman. He and his ‘company’ (read: group of teenage misfits he called friends and his brother) had gone to make fun of the Drama Dorks-much to Bofur and Nori’s annoyance. When the lights went down Thorin and Dwalin started commenting.

‘Ooh, it’s too dark!’

‘Hold me Dwalin!’

They were shushed and even kicked by Dori on several occasions. They didn’t stop, not until a little redheaded boy (obviously wearing a wig) walked on stage. He was utterly adorable and had the entire theater laughing in moments. Thorin didn’t make any more comments after that.

Oddly enough, it wouldn’t be until the beginning of the next year that Thorin would wonder who Sting was. Bofur and Nori would offer to join drama as ‘undercover agents’, but after one day with the theater group they remained tight-lipped.

‘Can’t you just give me a hint?!’

‘He wants anonymity, so we have to respect that.’ They share a look. ‘Bring ‘im flowers at the next performance. He likes flowers.’

*

The next performance, Hamlet of all things, saw Thorin sitting in the front row of the theater with his friends holding an embarrassingly large bouquet of flowers in his lap. He was going to kill his sister for picking this one out.

 ‘Oh lads, I think our Thorin has got a crush.’ Balin whispered. The rest of the company laughed.

‘It’s not a crush.’ Because it wasn’t.

*

Sting plays Hamlet. It’s his first starring role and he does it beautifully (even if that wig is atrocious). Not that Thorin thinks Sting is beautiful. He’s just a great actor.

After the show, Bofur and Nori take Thorin to a hall that the drama kids use as a ‘dressing area’. A short boy with sweat matted golden curls and thick-rimmed glasses nearly runs into them as he leaves. Thorin knew him. They had a few classes together. What was his name? Bingo Boggins?

‘Bilbo!’ Well…he was close.

‘A-ah, hey Bofur! Hey Nori! G-great work out there tonight.’

Nori winked. ‘You too, lad.’ This made Bilbo smile.

‘Thanks. C-can I help you with anything?’

‘Well our friend here has some flowers for Sting. Think you can deliver them for us?’

‘O-oh! Sure! So what are you? Some kind of admirer?’ Thorin growled that no, he was not an admirer, he just appreciated good theater; and stomped off.

*

The next day Thorin finds a note in his locker.

**_Thank You, Thorin._ **

*

It becomes routine after that. Thorin goes to every performance with his friends and a bouquet of flowers. Some are larger than others, but the smaller ones are filled with more expensive flowers. And each bouquet is accompanied by a card .

After the show Thorin meets Bilbo at the hall and hands him the bouquet to give to Sting. And the next morning Thorin finds a thank you note in his locker.

Thorin never meets Sting face-to-face, but it doesn’t bother him.

(Except, it does.)

He’s fine only communicating with notes.

(Except, he’s not.)

And he most definitely does not have a crush on Sting.

(Except, he does.)

Bofur and Nori remain tight-lipped even through junior year. Every time Thorin asks about Sting they get this look on their face like they’re trying not to laugh.

‘If you really thought about it you’d know that answer.’ Clearly he did not.

*

In late September of their senior year, Nori left his flute in the band room and asked Thorin to retrieve it for him.

 _“You’re staying after anyways, honestly it’s right there in my locker. Stop whining.”_ Why were they friends again?

Well whatever the reason was, Thorin found himself wandering the halls trying to find the band room. He knew where it was, he just took a few wrong turns getting there. He found the room and grabbed the flute and took a few more wrong turns to get to the front entrance.

Ending up in front of the auditorium had been completely accidental. Oh-the door was open. He should just turn around; someone was probably in there practicing for the monologue competition next week.

“I can walk through a crowd faceless, invisible. No-no that’s not right…what about…Yes, I like that.” Thorin knew that voice. It belonged to his not-crush. This was the type of opportunity that Thorin had been waiting for. Just a peek…that’s all he needed.

He crept into the auditorium, staying hidden behind the wall that connected back-stage to the doorway. Luckily for him, the only other person in the theater was Sting, otherwise Thorin probably would have been seen.

Later, Thorin would scream and bang his head against his bedroom wall. On stage, holding a leather bound book and a pencil, was Bilbo Baggins. His glasses were off and hanging on the collar of his green sweater-vest and for the first time Thorin could see why Nori and Bofur were always so amused. HE was a fucking idiot. The blond sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I’m never going to finish this in time-oh shit!” About a dozen multicolored cards fell from the book. Thorin recognized them, they were his handwritten congratulatory notes to Sting. Bilbo reached down, checking and double checking the cards for damage…Thorin had seen enough.

*

**To: Annoying Starfish**

**I have your damn flute.**

**From: Annoying Starfish**

**th@nk$. I ow3 u 1.**

**To: Annoying Starfish**

**I got lost**

**From: Annoying Starfish**

**Im $o $urpri$3d**

**To: Annoying Starfish**

**And I ended up in the auditorium.**

**From: Annoying Starfish**

**…**

**To: Annoying Starfish**

**Did you know?**

**From: Annoying Starfish**

**Th@ $ting i$ Bilbo? Or th@ hed b @ skool?**

**To: Annoying Starfish**

**First off, learn how to type. Second, both.**

**From: Annoying Starfish**

**Y3$**

*****

The monologue competition arrives sooner than Thorin likes. Nonetheless, he sits in his seat in the front row with the largest bouquet to date (Dwalin and Frerin made sure he knew that).

The theater darkened and unlike all of those years ago, Thorin is silent. The stage lights come up and Bofur comes on stage. His monologue is a comedy. Nori is next with a tragedy. Then that ponce Thranduil, and Elrond. Then finally, Bilbo is up. The ‘hosts’ announce that Bilbo had written his own monologue that year.

By the gods, it was beautiful. Bilbo Baggins is on stage tonight, and not Sting. He doesn’t wear a wig, and his glasses stick out of his vest pocket. He spoke of being helplessly in love with someone who was in love with another. Bilbo screamed that he didn’t want to be invisible anymore; he just wanted to be noticed.

(And if he looked at Thorin one too many times, the company wisely kept their mouths shut)

Tears rolled down Bilbo’s cheeks. (And Thorin’s too, not that anyone needed to know that) He practically whispers ‘I don’t want to be invisible anymore’ and then he’s all smiles and he dries his tears. “I’m done hiding.” The blond deliberately looks at Thorin and smiles.

*

Bilbo doesn’t win, even though he should. Bofur gets first place-which he tries to decline, earning him a slap to the back of the head from Nori. “Just accept the award, you did great.” It’s Bilbo who ends up pushing him out of his seat.

“Stop being so stubborn, you oaf.”

Bilbo doesn’t get an award. Apparently original work isn’t appreciated in this competition. He’s still the best to Thorin.

*

Thorin hands the bouquet to Bilbo in their usual spot.

“You were amazing, as always.” The smile he receives is breathtaking. “And-uh-these are for you.”

“As always?” The tone is teasing, making Thorin flush.

“As always.”

Bilbo took the bouquet and inhaled. “They’re lovely, as always. Shall I go give them to Sting?”

Thorin groaned. “I’m never going to live that one down, am I?”

“Mm, probably not.”

 Frerin yells at him from further down the hall. “Thorin, hurry up! We gotta go!” Sighing, Thorin reached into his pocket and pulled out a little blue card and handed it to Bilbo.

“Sorry. This is also for you, I wrote something else on the back...night.”

“Goodnight.”

*

**_Bilbo Baggins,_ **

**_Instead of leaving me a not in my locker tomorrow morning, how about a call or a text later? 312-102-2746_ **

**_~_ **

**_You aren’t invisible._ **

*

**New Message from: 312-209-2890**

**Thank you, by the way.**

**-Contact added-**

**To: Bilbo**

**What for? The flowers? I always give you flowers.**

**From: Bilbo**

**No, you always gave Sting flowers. Not Bilbo.**

**To: Bilbo**

**Well, get used to it. Bilbo is going to get many flowers from me.**

**From: Bilbo**

**Oh is he?**

**To: Bilbo**

**Of course, more if he will go out with me.**

**From:  Bilbo**

**I think he will, if you ask nicely.**

**To: Bilbo**

**Bilbo Baggins, will you go out with me?**

**…Please?**

**From: Bilbo**

**Well, since you asked so nicely. Then yes.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case any of you were wondering, their numbers were based off of their birthdays....sort of


	3. 1950s (Dwalin/Ori Pre-Slash)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some Pre-slash (if you squint) this time

Dwalin likes burgers.

Ori likes chips.

Dwalin is in danger of failing algebra (not that Balin needs to know that) and Ori offers to help.

Ori won’t accept money as payment, so Dwalin buys them burgers, chips and some shakes.

The first three times they go out it’s strictly business. They sit across from each other and barely speak except for pleasantries (mostly on Ori’s part) and Ori explaining the problem that they were working on. And what a pair they were: Dwalin the Bull and Ori the ‘Nerd’. Many onlookers would shoot then confused looks until they saw the books in between them and understood. Because really, how could they be friends?

*

The fourth time, they start chatting about other things.

_‘You play the violin? No way!’_

_‘May I see some of your drawings?’_

_‘Balin thinks I should grow my hair back. I think I should just grow a beard.’_

_‘What kind of books do you read?’_

*

The fifth time, Dwalin snags Ori’s pickles, onions, and tomatoes when he clears his burger of anything not meat or cheese. They both get rid of the lettuce.

*

The sixth time, Dwalin offers his chips when Ori eats all of his own.

_‘They gave me too many anyways. Take some before they get cold.’_

*

Times seven, eight, and nine they get no work done. They spend the entire time talking about the next game and how Ori was invited to sit with Dwalin if he didn’t have anyone else to sit with and _gossiping_ of all things.

_‘Balin’s got ‘imself a lady friend.’_

_‘Have you met her?’_

_‘Mm hmm. He could do better.’_

*

Time ten, Dwalin is alone at the restaurant with no call or explanation as to why. Dwalin felt humiliated, and no one humiliated Dwalin and got away with it…not even his friends.  

*

Finding Ori’s house wasn’t that hard. They lived in the only red house on the street, though the paint had faded making it pink. It was a small one-level that honestly would have been passed by if Dwalin hadn’t dropped Ori off here before.

That, and the shouts coming from inside.

_“I’M NOT GOING TO KEEP BAILING YOU OUT NORI! ALL YOU DO IS GET YOURSELF INTO MORE TROUBLE, DO YOU EVER EVEN TRY TO BEHAVE?”_

_“DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT’S ALL I DO! I DO MORE THAN YOU KNOW!”_

What the hell? What on earth was going on inside? Where was Ori?

He moved to the back of the house (Ori had once mentioned that he had the small back room all to himself), peaking into the windows until he found the one that he was looking for. Well, he found the two arguing men (wasn’t Dori the name of one of them?), and the bathroom, and a dark bedroom-ah there that was it! The lights were off, but there was a sign of life. In the far corner, as far away from the arguing adults as he could get and holding a pillow over his head, was Ori. The redheaded teen was trembling, clutching the pillow tighter when the adults got louder.

As silently as he could, Dwalin opened the window and slipped in. Ori didn’t even notice him.

Oh Lord, no wonder Ori had the pillow over his head. The voices were twice as loud inside.

_“WHY DO YOU BOTHER COMING BACK?”_

_“ORI NEEDS ME!”_

_“NO HE DOESN’T”_

The larger boy walked over to Ori, crouching in front of him, and gently pried the pillow from his grip.

“Wha-” Ori’s face, red and covered in tears, nearly broke Dwalin’s heart.

“Shh! Stay quiet and follow me.”

*

Miraculously, they made it out without being seen. Dwalin led them through trees until they were far enough away from the neighborhood to not be seen or heard.

“Ori, what-”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“What? Why?”

Ori sniffed. “Be _cause_. I came home before I went to the diner-I-I just wanted to put my bag away! But the Nori was there and they were arguing and I should have called and-” The bigger teen could barely make out what he was saying. It was all mindless blabber.

“-Ori, shut up. Good, now calmly tell me what ‘appened.”

 “Okay…I went home to drop off my bag, but my brother Nori was home and he and Dori were arguing and they dragged me into it and by the time I managed to get out I had forgotten to call and I’m _sorry_.”

“Hey, cool it. Did y’know this would happen?”

“No-but-”

“No buts! ‘M not mad. Here’s what we’ll do, we’ll go back to your room pick up some clothes and head to my house and grill up some of our own burgers.”

“Really? But Dori-”

“-Can say whatever he wants, but if he tries anything I’m giving him a knuckle sandwich.”

“DWALIN!”  For a kid who looked nothing more than a twig, he could punch. But the bruise that Dwalin may or may not have later would be worth it because of the grin that Ori gave him.

(And yes, the inevitable fight between himself and Dori would also be worth it) 


	4. Superhero (Dori/Naran)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys! I haven't been feeling too well the past few days (I wrote this the other night at two in the morning)

How do you tell someone you love that you’re not who you say you are? How do you tell them that instead of being that prissy tea-shop owner that they fell in love with, you are actually a masked vigilante running about and fighting bad guys?

I just…I _can’t_.

I don’t know how he’d take it. Would he grin and tell me that he was happy that I confided in him? Would he leave us? Or would he try to make me stop?

I don’t want to ruin Ori’s life any more. It’s my fault our parents are gone and I’m the reason Nori stays away. I should stop. Just destroy the mask and the costume and live the rest of my life in peace. I should. It would be easy. Ori doesn’t know either, so I don’t have to worry about him accidentally saying something.

But I can’t I took an oath to protect Ered Luin. I will uphold that oath until I die.

So by day I am Dori the loving husband and brother who owns a tea shop.

By night I am your worst nightmare. 


	5. Western (Bofur/Nori)

Ered Luin is a small desert town with few trees and even fewer rainy days. Nori would have left years ago if the pub wasn’t a quality establishment with good beer. Actually, the pub was run down and on the verge of collapsing in on itself. And the beer tasted like piss.

So let’s rephrase: the reason Nori hasn’t left Ered Luin yet is because of the attractive miner that’s always at the pub. They barely speak to each other, but they will sit and drink together every night.

Bofur is a giggly, flirty drunk. Two pints in and he’s grabbing at Nori’s thigh and whispering naughty things loud enough for the entire room to hear. Nori doesn’t care. He grins, removes the hand, and purchases another pint.  

At the end of the night they are lucky if Bofur can even sit straight in his chair. Nori ties Bofur’s hands and feet together and drape him over the back of his horse armed with his two Colts (there had been an unfortunate incident that led to three broken bones and several stiches...that’s why Bofur must be tied on the way home) and rides to the outskirts of the town where Bofur’s grumpy cousin is waiting.

Bifur doesn’t like Nori and he makes this known. Every night he ‘suggests’ that Nori should just leave the town and Nori replies ‘But who will bring Bofur home?’.

The next morning, already sweating even though the sun hasn’t been up long, Nori will pass Bofur on his way to the Sherriff station as Bofur walks to the mines. The miner grins, and winks and Nori temporarily forgets the heat. 


	6. 1920's Dwalin/Ori

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a second chapter for the day 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: crossdressing, mentions of homophobia, little bit of smut at the end...

_‘Oh Mister Dwalin, your wife is so lovely’_

_‘Wherever did you find such a lovely creature?’_

Such phrases are common when the couple attends any social event. Miss Ori hangs on Mister Dwalin’s arm, shining in her silver dress as she chats with the other guests. They are a very happy couple. Mister Dwalin kisses his wife for no reason, Miss Ori refuses to dance with anyone that isn’t her husband.

Some people ask about children. Miss Ori gets flustered, saying that children would be a blessing, but not something that she sees in their immediate future. (A snobbish woman makes a comment about Ori being infertile. She may or may not make it through the night.)  

She presses a kiss to his bald head and whispers something in her husband’s ear when she wants to go home. Dwalin is up and practically running to the door. Many watch them leave in amusement. Most ignore them and go about their business.

*

What people don’t know is later on, when Ori and Dwalin are tangled in their bed sheets, Dwalin strokes both of their cocks with one hand. Ori writhes beneath him begging Dwalin to go harder because he wasn’t the damn delicate flower he pretends to be.

Yes, if people could see them now, Ori would no longer be a lovely little trophy wife. He would be a freak. Harassed, (most likely) beaten, and separated from his love.

So in public he will be Dwalin’s wife. In the privacy of their home he is Dwalin’s husband. 


	7. Steampunk (Fíli/Kíli)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much trouble with this

Kíli was twenty when he started tinkering. Not an uncommon trade for a dwarf, but for the Prince? He was given several odd looks.

His first piece was a very crude dragon that could only fly a foot off of the ground before one the wings locked and it came crashing down. Kíli was so upset at the attempt that he threw the dragon across his room, breaking off one of the wings. Fíli held him, telling him that he shouldn’t be upset that the dragon fell.

_‘Learn from your mistakes so next time you don’t make them again.’_

Two and a half weeks later the Royal Halls of Erebor were filled with the sound of buzzing and laughter.

_‘I did it I did it!’_

And he did. The little dragon managed to stay airborne, even as it bumped into statues and machines that got in its path.

(And if people thought that the dragon looked a bit too much like a winged fish…they wisely kept their mouths shut.)

*

Kíli never ended up being _the_ best tinkerer in Erebor, but he was definitely one of the best. His style was different than the rest of the dwarves. His had more of an elvish flare inspired by his best friend Legolas. It was a mix of elaborate dwarvish machinery riddled with hidden weapons and miscellaneous knick-knacks with elvish elegance and grace.  

Of course, with two vastly different styles there was bound to be a few mistakes…

*

**_BOOM_ **

“Oh- _Damn it!_ ” Black smoke poured out of Kíli’s workshop as he stumbled out. He coughed, pulling off his goggles and wiping at his face.

It did not take long for Fíli to come running from their bedroom. “What’s wrong?! Are you okay?” The blonde grabbed his brother’s shoulders and checked him over before dusting off the soot from Kíli’s clothes. “What in the name of Mahal were you doing in there?”

“I’m trying to make a defense mechanism for the library, it looks like a statue, but flip the switch and it shoots flaming arrows!” Fíli stared at him. “What?”

“Kíli…books and fire...think about it…”

The younger prince thought it over before he realized that defending the library with flaming arrows was not a good idea (and he should probably stop brainstorming while drunk). “Oh…”

Fíli pressed a kiss to his forehead. “That’s alright love. I know you, you’ll think of something else, and it will be better than this. Now is anything on fire?”

“Not that I saw, just a lot of smoke.”

“Well, let’s go clean up and work on the blueprints for the next project.” The duo walked into the workshop, cringing at the thick layer of soot that now covered everything.

“Should I-”

“-Yeah…I’ll just-”

“-Yeah.” The two got to work dusting, sweeping, and mopping up the soot. It took a while, but they managed to clear out the soot. Kíli took special care in cleaning the shelf right above his table.

As they left to dispose of the dirty rags, Fíli looked at the shelf and ginned at the broken old dragon with the repaired wing on the shelf.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Kili, you try so hard.


	8. Fairy Tale (Bofur/Nori)

There once was a miner who was poor, but had two sons and his nephew to look after. Now, in order to pay his taxes he had borrowed money from the esteemed ‘King of Thieves’. But he did not have the money to pay back the thief king so when he was presented to the king, he had said the first thing that had come into his mind:

“I have a son who can spin straw into gold.” But the king did not believe him.

“How can this be? If you have a son who can spin gold from straw, why have you borrowed money from me?”

“Well,” The miner said “it is winter now, and we have no straw to spare.”

“Hmm. Very well, if your son is as clever as you say, then bring him here tomorrow so I may test him.”

And the next morning Bofur, the miner’s eldest and the most handsome of the boys, was brought to the king and placed in a room filled with straw.

“Now get to work, and should this straw not be spun into gold by tomorrow morning, you will die.” The king locked the door, leaving Bofur alone. The poor lad sat there not knowing what to do. He could not spin straw into gold. He was going to die. So the miner’s son fell to his knees and wept.

It was then that a tall figure (taller than any other being Bofur had seen before) emerged from the shadows in a dark mist. “Good evening, Master Miner.” He said, his voice like honey. “Why are you crying so?”

“Because, I must spin all o’ this straw into gold by mornin’ or I will die. But I do not know how t’ do it!”

“And what would you give to me, should I do it for you?” The giant asked.

“M’ necklace.”

 The man took the necklace and sat at the wheel, spinning all through the night until the last of the straw had turned to gold.

*

By daybreak the giant was gone and the king had arrived. When he saw the gold he was both astonished and delighted. But, as gold tends to do to dwarves, he became greedy . He took Bofur to another room, much larger than the last and filled with more straw. The Thief King, again, told Bofur to turn all of the straw to gold by morning or he would die.

Instead of weeping, Bofur kicked the wall.

Like the night before, the giant man emerged from the shadows. “What will you give me if I spin this straw into gold for you?”

“Me Mam’s ring.” The man took the ring and spent the night spinning the straw into gold.

*

The King, though delighted by the gold, did not have enough. He brought Bofur into an even larger room and said: “You must spin this too, and should you succeed, you shall marry my heir, Nori.”

When Bofur was alone, the giant man appeared. “And what would you give me if I spin this straw into gold?”

“I ‘ave nothing left to give ye.” Bofur answered.

“Then promise me, when you marry the heir, you give me your firstborn child.”

 _Who knows when that’ll happen._ Bofur thought. And with no other choice he promised the man what he wanted. By morning every little bit of straw had been replaced with gold.

The Thief King was so delighted that he married Bofur to his son that very evening.

*

In the span of a year the Thief King died, meaning Nori (a very kind and just dwarf, despite his title) inherited the throne. But in happier news Bofur gave birth to a healthy little boy. All was good until one night the giant man appeared as Bofur sang his son to sleep.

“Give me what you promised me.”

Horror-struck, Bofur offered anything-even the entirety of his ‘kingdom’s’ wealth, in lieu of his child. “No. Something alive is worth more than all of the treasure in the world.” So Bofur began to weep, holding his child to his chest. The giant man took pity on him.

“I will give you three days, and in that time, if you can guess my name, you can keep your child.”

And so that night Bofur told Nori what had happened and the two spent hours thinking of names.

“Smaug, Azog, Balthazar?”

“None of those are my name.”

On the second day Bofur received help from his friend Bilbo in the neighboring kingdom. They listed the names but alas: “None of those are my name.”

On the third day, a messenger came back.

“I’m sorry Milords. I was not able to find any new names. But, as I came to the end of the forest I found an old castle. In the ruins there was a fire burning, and around that fire a man, taller than the tallest elf, danced and chanted:

To-day I bake, to-morrow brew,

The next I’ll have the young consort’s child.

Ha, glad am I that no one knew

That Sauron the Great I am styled.”

As you can imagine, both Bofur and Nori were overjoyed at the news. And later on, the giant man appeared and asked: “Your Highnesses, what is my name?”

“Is it Dori?” Nori asked.

“It is not.”

“Is it Thranduil?”

“It is not.”

“Perhaps your name is Sauron the Great?” Bofur asked.

“The devil told you that!” In a fit of rage, Sauron the Great lunged at the King and his Consort, but Bofur’s cousin threw an axe at him, and cut off his hand. The man stumbled and fell into the fireplace where he burned to his death.

From the fire a small golden ring fell.

“Bless me!” Bofur cried. “It’s Mam’s ring!”   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sorry


	9. Police/detective (Dori/Naran)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: implied character death and angst

Sometimes, Naran stays at the precinct much later than he intends too. Dori’s okay with that…most of the time.

Sometimes, Naran takes an extra shift or two because they need some extra money. Dori’s okay with that so long as he’s able to rest and eat.

Sometimes, Naran is called in in the middle of the night. Dori hates these times and he stays up all night (occasionally Ori-and even Nori who was too cool for this kind of thing being a teenager and all-will crawl into bed with him because they know that their brother is worried).

Occasionally, Naran comes home and brings Dori and Nori and Ori miniature golfing and then out to dinner. Dori loves times like these where they can just be a family.

Occasionally, Naran spends too much time at work that Ori thinks he’s forgotten about them. Dori packs a lunch and gets permission from his friend Dwalin (the chief, if you must know) to have a nice little lunch break at Naran’s desk.

Occasionally, Naran comes home covered in cuts and or bruises. Dori gets upset, but there’s nothing he can do but patch up his husband and wait.

Only once did Naran hold a victim as he died. Naran didn’t sleep for three days and Dori stayed up with him.

Only once was Naran’s partner taken. Naran stayed away for almost a week. Dori and Ori did not go to the precinct.

Only once did Dwalin pull up to the house and mutter three words: “I’m so sorry.” And Dori’s world starts falling apart.  


End file.
